when90swastheshi on Xanga

Weblog

Sunday, 31 January 2010

feeling

I like danger. I like blood. I like fast things. I love, love. I love lust. I love music.
I love the thrill.
It makes me feel alive.
It makes me feel.

Tuesday, 26 January 2010

I find humans very interesting, I face many different personality everyday, and I've learn to deal with it, because I mean at the end no matter how stubborn one can be, you still realize the good qualities in them some how, at the same time being yourself, sometimes I want to say something, but if it's such a small thing to make such a conflict or out come, then I guess I've learn to shut my mouth and hold it in.
Going to hairstyling school actually made me grow a lot, and behind every hairstylist I met there's always something about them, in the past, something interesting, yet so intence and made them very creative people. I've always wonder about certain things, it's true what they say, you may think a person is who they are, but you'll never know, now here's the trick.
I'm not very smart person, and I can't read people's mind, but one thing I'd always get is a gut feeling when you know, there something about this person you should stay away from, or at lease a distance. I always knew people could see stright thru me, I hate it, but it's true. I'm not a very good liar either. That was a lie. See? are you confused?
I've been studying this person recently, met this person a while back, I've never started talking to this person until recently, and I just have a gut feeling about this person, but the fact that I made so many mistakes before in the past, I have the confidence that I will break this person, not in a bad way, but to really see who this person is. The idea of it could possibly fail, but as long as I know what I'm doing, I think I'll be fine. To be honest I'm still not comfortable with it, I feel like maybe something bad will happen to me, and maybe I will give up before anything happens. But mean time, I just wonder why people are the way they are, somethings you can't explain, but some things you can see stright thru.

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

I've finally watched 2012, by accident that is.
Any how, I've realized something beyond the whole point of "the world ending"
Maybe this was a good reminder, in your last moments, what will you do or say.. to people you care about?
On the other hand if you did have that ticket to go on the giant ship to survive and you could only bring one person who would you bring?
What if you say, you did believe the world was going to end in a couple of years, what will do in these years.
I wouldn't know how to say goodbye to the people I love, it be too hard, but at the same time if I did had a ticket and I could only bring one person, well I wouldn't go on it, there's a lot of people in my family, that I all really love and my boyfriend, I would die with them instead. I can't imagen how painful it would be to lose the things you really care about at the end, I don't think I'll live anyways. If I did believe that the world was going to end in couple years or what not, then I would say; believe in whatever you believe in, but even if the world was going to end tmr, there's nothing you can do about, and I don't care, shit happens for a reason, it's not going to stop me from living my life.
The matter of fact wasn't really about the world ending, in my point of view, you never know who we really are until we are in thoes last moments. So I could possibly be saying all this, but at the end is it true?
** there's a part I really liked in the movie, it's when one of the monk over flowed the cup, and said to the other monk, and I don't know the exact words, so go see the movie.

Tuesday, 22 December 2009

I've fucked up.

Not the first time, but in a long time. I feel shitty but who am I going to blame but myself.
Without this, I realize how hard it would be, actually this was my only shot, and if I get another chance am I going to strighted my ass out, yezzir. It's easy to say thou, I'll tell you that, I think I have a problem.
So it's time to admit it, but even if I had already admit it, and been here before, just feels like I haven't learnd. Which makes me wonder, what the hell do I really care about then? Why do I always feel like there's chances after chances. I don't know anyone who can really help myself but myself, and I knew that long time ago, it's just taking me forever to wake up. I'm still dreaming aren't I.
I need the disapline, but where do I start

Wednesday, 09 December 2009

new for me; at lease

I hate it when this happens, I've been alright experience with relationships, a lot of short terms and one long term. I didn't plan it that way, shit just happens, and I just do what I do.
I'm at this point of a relationship, where I don't know what to do, or say, or sometimes how to feel. I like this guy a lot, but what does it mean in the long run. what do I always get to this place and feel a bit like letting go, because I'm too afraid of something I'm not even sure of.
I've spent a whole day with this guy today, and this guy is my boyfriend. I've become very aware of where he stands or want to stand in this relationship. He wants me to be proud that he's my man, and damn right I am. At the same time I wish I knew where I stand, because yeah we fight and things come up, and there's some wonder. I'd never doubt that, but why am I standing at this very spot thinking about me and you. Why do I hate it when you leave after seeing you the whole day, when I never seem to give a shit before.
All these feelings, yes, they're just feelings, know what you feel and what's real.
I don't know what's real at the moment, maybe this is the blinded phase. I wish I could step out of the picture, but I know deep inside I'll try to bend the truth. Or maybe it's not as bad as I think it would be, either way, I'm not hoping and dreaming for the best, I just want to enjoy the moment before it's too late. Good night